I thought about this blog today for the first time in years. I was pondering the concept of commitment and thought about this blog as one of my failed commitments.
Commitment has been on my mind lately, as I realise that I'm battling with the smallest commitments I make to myself on a daily basis.
Since the exciting time of starting this blog, "The New Road" life (or rather, death) has dealt me some major blows. My father died on 31 October 2010 and 6 weeks later, my life partner of 9 years, died suddenly of a heart attack (despite our efforts at resuscitation). Losing the two most importment men in my life, in such a short period of time has been devastating!
From one set of daily commitments which included so much activity, I find my commitments are now somewhat feable in reality, but I am grateful that I have followed through on some of these, despite not having any motivation to do so.
I'm grateful that I can actually get up each day - I have to remind myself many mornings, that if I don't I'm breaking a commitment I made to myself. Then I do the same thing as I go about the daily chores, visiting clients, and visiting friends and family.
I'm living on a commitment reference system. It's the only thing that's working for me right now. Otherwise, I may end up staying in bed, all day - every day, until I fall asleep permanently.
Mourning sickness isn't cured by the commitment, but in the meantime, I get to be thankful that I haven't let everything in my life fall apart.
I'm definitely travelling on a whole New Road again - but this time, it isn't filled with a sense of adventure and excitement - instead, it's filled with pain, fear and sadness.
My profile says I live with positivity, and I guess in many ways I still do, but it's not how I would describe myself over the last 7 months. I know I am forever a changed person, but the little positivity within me beckons the belief that somehow, sometime, I will take this terrible situation and bring about positive changes in my life.... I look forward to that!
